Saturday, March 14, 2009

February 16, 2009

Johnny Coldeck’s
TALES FROM THE FLOOR

Prop Bets

Let’s be clear on this point: side bets are not legal in our state. Poker can be a tedious activity at times, though, and nothing can stop players from doing what they want. None of these things actually happened. That’s my story.

Side Action- Lottery Pool

The previous custodian of our unofficial player-and-staff lottery pool was River Rat Ricky. A former blues vocalist of some repute, he performed all over the Midwest until he was finally ousted from performing, presumably for aesthetic reasons. Ricky the Rat, as we fondly remember him, was here every night for several years, playing poker very poorly and collecting a five-dollar bill from anyone he could get to join in the weekly lottery pool. He always had some new money-making scheme for all of the players and staff to decline, but we all played the lottery with him.

This is a small community. News about local events usually makes it to my ears about an hour before it happens. The poker-playing community is a subculture, and any dramatic news about poker players gets here two days before it happens. River Rat Ricky never figured this out, so when he won eighteen grand at a local liquor store, he never imagined the news would get back to us. Maybe posing for the Polaroid was a bad idea. He probably recovered less than half his poker losses in the scam, and he hasn’t sat at a poker table in two years. I would have heard.

The current holder of our non-existent lottery pool is Ole Tex. Tex claims to be eighty-something, but we believe he fought in the civil war- on the Confederate side. The consensus among the lottery players is that he is too old to run if the lottery hits, so we feel pretty safe having him hold the tickets. We now have twice the excitement in our pool: we hope we win; and we hope Ole Tex survives the shock of looking down at a winning ticket. We all like Tex.

Side Action- Marriages

Carney Joe, whom you may recall from a previous article, went through a brief separation from his wife in the last month. They are back together now, but Ole Tex has a pool running, as we believe the terms of the new arrangement he has with her will be even briefer than the separation. Carney Joe has agreed to stop playing poker if she limits herself to two cocktails a night! Tex couldn’t pass up the opportunity for side action on this, and there was a bidding war for Valentine’s Day evening. This came and went, but the over/under on the return of Carney Joe has been set at June 30th by a local bookmaker. We’re all following this relationship closely, belying the rumor that poker players have no sympathy for their fellows.

Side Action- Swearing Off

A year and a half. That’s the claim made by Treetop Tom for his return to poker. Ole Tex set the over/under at one month, but there have been no takers on the overs yet. It is really tough for any of our players to get action on this type of prop bet. The standard answer to “#^*#@* this place! I’m never coming back!” is “Geez! Tough beat! See you tomorrow.” Besides, Treetop Tom has a really good day job. We all hope he never swears that off.

Once again, action at the cardrooms in our state is completely limited to the felt. I so swear.

Tales From the Floor is written anonymously by the manager of a small Northern California cardroom. One hundred percent of the stories are fictional, so there is no cause to point and laugh. Not one of the characters exists, and Johnny Coldeck is a ghost. He never saw anything, and is confused about who wrote the article. I so swear.

3 comments:

  1. My favorite side-bets are the ones that take place DURING a hand. You know, stuff like "I'll lay 9-5 that a-**** doesn't have anything higher than a five in his hand."

    Of course, I found poor Treetop's story most familiar... only the person yelping, "$%&* this place!" is usually an employee! Not of aforementioned anonymous Northern California poker room, of course.

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  2. Actually, I would say "$%&* this place," as a former employee of a couple of tools. And as a player-- Johnny Coldeck NEVER got me there. Seriously. And when he did I almost got into a couple of fights.. Oh, and Ill also take the under on Carney Joe. What a joke. Hell be rolling the car down the driveway at 1:00 AM in no time....

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  3. Thanks for the comment, Mi...I mean, "Anonymous"! I completely forgot about the car-down-the-driveway thing! Only Carney Joe would forget about power brakes!
    Scotty

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