Wednesday, November 25, 2009

POKER COUNSELING 101

“I can’t beat this game!” This is the most common mantra among the regulars at our little club, especially from players who routinely can and do beat the game.

Big Ed, a former WWF wrestler-turned-poker-player is a solid player who has made his living off the weaker players at our room for over a year, grinding out profits nearly every session. After a runner-runner beat in our $5-$10 game this week, he stormed out, cell phone in one hand, text-messaging everyone who might read that he will never play in our room again, again. This is a biweekly event for Big Ed. A man of considerable emotion, the swings in his moods vary far more than his chip stack ever has. Apparently, the big guy doesn’t like to lose. While straightening out fallacious reasoning wasn’t in the training manual, it seems to be a part of the job around these parts. After a one-day “cooling off” period, he will get a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on and a gentle reminder about the nature of math and the phenomenon we call variance. At least Big Ed didn’t drop-kick his opponent this time, so our counseling efforts are beginning to pay off.

Erik the Viking is another “special needs” player. A former runway model, his career and life dramatically changed about two years ago when a tragic and embarrassing wardrobe malfunction brought his modeling career to an abrupt end and put him on the outs with the New York crowd. A regular in our little club, the most common eddy in his stream of thought is this: “There are too many bad players! I can’t win!” The Viking is a true rounder, making a reasonable living off small-stakes hold-em games in local clubs and casinos for over two years. While it seems silly at times, assuring Erik that games with weak players are better than games with strong players is a weekly event.

Fast Freddy is a local beet farmer who is a little rough around the edges. Conversing with him is about as comfortable as petting a porcupine, except that the quills all face the same direction on a porcupine. While so-called “magical thinking” is common among gamblers, in Fast Freddy’s case, it does present a few challenges to the management of the room, so we talk about it. “Lucky seats”, “hot cards”, “rushes” and “lucky dealers” lead to perpetual seat changes, sitting out when a particular dealer is in and creating havoc in the game by raising every time you get a 4 of clubs dealt to him. This leads, in turn, to a whole new round of counseling sessions we have to provide the other players and staff. While the counseling sessions with Freddy are about as profitable as investing in a covered-wagon manufacturing firm, they must be done. The only bright spot in the whole thing is that Fast Freddy only plays on dates with the numbers 7 or 3 in them, so we don’t have to address the issues often.

When choosing a poker counselor, it might be better to look on-line, rather than to rely on your local card room manager. After all, his only interest is in keeping a rag-tag group of misfits and cretins coming back every night to play more poker. More to the point, anyone twisted enough to do this job is not likely to be the best guide for the fecund poker player. If he could beat this game, he would be on the other side of the table, right?

TALES FROM THE FLOOR is written anonymously by the manager of a small, Northern California cardroom. The intent is to offer anecdotes and insight into the world of poker through the eyes of Johnny Coldeck. It should be said that Mr. Coldeck is not a certified counselor, though his years as a mental patient have given him some skills in that department. Although the counseling sessions have obviously been a colossal failure, knowing the right psychological lingo seems to have been enough for him to be able to counsel the occasional lost soul at the poker tables.

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