Johnny Coldeck's Rules of Engagement

List of Cardroom Rules that Don’t Exist and Damn Well Should

1. Same day rule- Players will act on their $3 call on the same day in which the cars are dealt.
2. No pre-fold speech required rule- This one explains itself. The cameras aren’t running, and the other players never care what you should do.
3. Winners can’t talk rule- Nobody cares how well you played the hand. Nobody cares how you would have played the hand if they played it different. Nobody cares how they could have won the pot if they raised the turn. Shut the *^%# up and stack his chips.
4. No giggling rule- There are men at the table. Some of them are losing. Giggling like a schoolgirl is gay.
5. Keep it to the felt rule- Beat your opponents at poker. Don’t threaten them physically or threaten to slash their tires. Unless they need it.
6. No bad beat stories rule- We don’t want to hear it. The staff has heard that one. The other players have heard that one. We don’t feel sorry for you. The other players hope it happens again. Shut up.
7. Conversationally-challenged player rule- There is often a conversation at the poker table. You have no idea what we are all talking about. Smile and look interested. You are clueless. We already know that. Don’t prove it by talking about your job, your dog or that time you went to the beach. We weren’t talking about that, and we don’t care.
8. No hitting on other players rule- Most of them are men. They are straight. Pretend you are the same.
9. It’s a GAME rule- The other players are here to relax and play a game. Relax. Play the game.
10. The Zen Rule- You are here now. You are always here, and it’s always now. No one cares about anything else. Act accordingly.
11. Call for the flop rule- If you yell out for a queen on the flop and the dealer flops a queen, you must bet at least 1/3rd the pot. It’s the rule.
12. “What do you got?” rule- Your opponent will lie to you. Or he might tell the truth. Save us the drama. Fold, call or raise. Flirt later.
13. Hit and Run rule- There is a list of appropriate excuses with the floor man. Use one of those. Rambling on about some random excuse is annoying. It brings the table down. We know why you are leaving, and might believe your excuse if you would just stop talking. Try it.
14. I folded the nuts rule- You folded. No one cares that you would have made a good hand. You are a nit. You should have called.
15. Claiming a hand while dragging chips rule- Look at the board when you claim a hand. Make sure the Jack of Diamonds is not on the board before you claim you had it in your hand. Otherwise, they might piece together the evidence and think you bluffed them.