Thursday, January 29, 2009

TALES FROM THE FLOOR

By Johnny Coldeck


I don’t know how it is in other clubs, but opposite-sex pairing opportunities are pretty limited in our little cardroom. If a man is willing to relax his standards a bit, or perhaps eliminate standards altogether, there is a possibility of getting a date at the table. Before all you guys primp and pimp, however, maybe we should examine the selection together.

Our first contestant is Trailer-Park Tammy, a semi-single wealthy business co-owner. Not unattractive and extremely proud of her recently-purchased bosom, she is a potential party partner for the brave soul willing to venture into her personality and unnaturally-pointed appendages. A very sweet lady upon entering the cardroom, she turns just a little rough after a couple of drinks. Well, okay, there are horny truck drivers in Arkansas who would turn red from embarrassment while she is speaking. Another minor peccadillo she has is a tendency to flaunt her wealth whenever she loses a pot. Statements like, “You think I give a *&%# about the two hundred dollars? That’s probably more than you make in a week!” and, “You want to compare W2s? I bet I paid more taxes last year than a little *&%#@* like you has ever made!” are commonplace with Trailer-Park Tammy at the table. Nevertheless, her firmer-than-normal implants (you could put an eye out with those things) and willingness to make new friends do offer possibilities….

For those men who don’t like to talk, there is always Chatterbox Candy, a forty-something part-time card-player and silence-filler extraordinaire. I don’t have the exact figures on the number of words used by the average American each day, but I’d bet dimes to dollars Candy has them quadrupled before breakfast. She doesn’t always play when she comes in the room- sometimes she will just stand behind the players and talk. The patrons and staff have learned to avoid eye contact (a must if you plan on using the latrine in the following two hours) and not to make supportive comments like, ”Really?” and “Hmm” which may further encourage conversation. She also has a potentially-unattractive habit of contorting her face and making a chewing motion (it looks like she is trying to eat her cheekbone), but, not to worry, this only happens when she isn’t talking. For the man of few or no words, however, she is available….

Since I feel the National Organization of Women organizing a march, and I know all the members won’t fit into our little cardroom, perhaps we should turn our attention to the male candidates. Let’s be honest, guys, not many of those sitting around a card table at three a.m. on a Tuesday night are likely to be good catches, okay? But let’s see if we can find some matches for the lovely ladies here.

Contestant Number One is Junkman John, a surprisingly-still-single local business owner in his late thirties. As far as anyone knows, he only owns the one oil-stained blue shirt, nametag on one side and pocket on the other, which has never been washed. We have all wondered why he doesn’t buy some nice clothes- all the money he must save on toothbrushes and deodorant alone should put him in a new Armani suit for each day of the week! Still, ladies, he has some credentials worth mentioning. He is a business owner (five acres of car skeletons with real possibilities!), an animal lover (four mongrel pit bulls sleeping under the junk cars) and has the ability to drink 20-30 shots of Jim Beam and still be loud enough to be heard in three counties (communication is an important part of relationships, right, ladies?) . Anyway, for the woman of vision, show up in our cardroom at two or three in the morning on a Monday night (or whenever you hear a bellowing voice), and I think you have a shot at Junkman John….

We can bring it up a notch with Contestant Number Two, Treetop Tom. With a great job trimming roadside trees for the county and a full benefit package, Tom would definitely be a “catch” for the right lady. Not only that, but he looks like a T.V. star! Okay not really a television star per se, but, well, you know that one advertising campaign, “So easy a caveman could do it”? He looks like that guy, except Tom is a little shorter, more (ahem!) robust in stature, slightly hairier and his skull appears to be a lot thicker. Well let’s just say it- he looks like a cartoon caricature of the caveman guy. Anyway, the right lady would never have to worry about losing an argument to Treetop Tom; he is as intellectually-challenged as his appearance would suggest. Still, it’s a great county benefit package….

Well, there we have it- dating opportunities galore in your local cardroom! Now, I try not to get involved in the personal lives of our patrons, but let’s be sensible here, folks. While there are some wonderful people from all walks of life playing cards all over Northern California, one of the .com sites might be a better option for the lonely hearts in the area. Besides, I already listen to enough bad beat stories….

Tales from the Floor is written anonymously by the manager of a small Northern California cardroom. The intent of the stories is two-fold: to present an industry-eye view of cardroom life; and to give a burned-out, jaded and politically-incorrect cardroom manager a chance to vent. Amazingly, Johnny Coldeck is twice divorced and currently available as well....

5 comments:

  1. Nice. Can't wait for the next episode.

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  2. Nice. Can't wait for the next episode.

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  3. This is good stuff. I hope I don't show up as a character in one of the stories (and if I do, I'd be curious as to your character description)!

    Now that you've got started, you need to keep it up. It's hard work, but I try to post at least once a week.

    Cheers,
    K

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  4. I finally found your blog and it's making me laugh. Let's here some more character descriptions, they are very well written.

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  5. TYVM
    you know I have to "pull back" a little, since some of the real-life counterparts could get offended! For example, when I introduce your caricature to the story....
    Scotty

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